Gabe's POV in Make Up Your MindCatch Me I'm Falling
by ncbdc27
Summary: Gabe's thinking during the song Make Up You Mind/Catch Me I'm Falling. This story doesn't correspond to the song's placement in the story and doesn't follow the way the story progresses after this song. Basically, I made it up and it doesn't end like it does in the musical. I don't own Next to Normal or any of the songs.


"_Are you nervous?"_

_"No."_

_"Good. Now."_

Ha. This doctor thinks he'll make a breakthrough. He's no different than any of the others. In fact, he's exactly the same. He thinks that he can get through to her with simple therapy. He thinks he can get rid of me with a few simple pills. But it takes more than pills to get rid of me. Mom always leaves the back door of her mind open. Always lets me back in. She won't let this doctor in any more than any of the others.

"_Make up your mind__  
__To explore yourself.__  
__Make up your mind—__  
__You have stories to tell.__  
__We'll search in your past__  
__For what sorrows may last,__  
__Then make up your mind__  
__To be well."_

It isn't that simple. Don't you know? No, of course you don't. Because you've never had a patient like mom. She's different. She comes with an extra problem. Me.

_"He's not here...__  
__He's not here...__  
__Love, I know you know"_

Except she doesn't. In her mind, I'm here and always have been.

_"Make up your mind_  
_That you're strong enough._  
_Make up your mind—_  
_Let the truth be revealed._  
_Admit what you've lost_  
_And live with the cost..._  
_At times it does hurt_  
_To be healed."_

Suddenly I was lurched forward. No. What is happening? I'm falling. She's pushing me away. I can feel it. I have to grab on to the pole to keep from toppling down into a black hole of forgotten memories. How is this doctor getting through?

"Catch me I'm falling...", I manage to croak out.

She can't hear me. She has to hear me. _"Listen to me!",_I think to myself.

_"In our first session you told me..."_

Another lurch. I have to grip the pole tighter. My knuckles are beginning to turn white.

"Catch me I'm falling...", I say, barely audible.

_"... that talking through your history..."_

The more the doctor talks, the faster I fall.

"Faster than anyone should."

This isn't happening. I'm beginning to panic. She can't forget me. What will I do? Where will I go?

"Catch me I'm falling"

_"Catch me I'm falling"_

She feels it, too! She feels something is slipping. I waited for the feeling of falling to dissipate but it didn't. Why isn't she trying to bring me back?

_"... it feels like it's about someone else."_

Yes. Maybe she'll remember. Come on, mom.

"Please hear me calling"_,_I plead.

_"Make it about you."_

No. It's almost over. I'm almost gone. I can feel it.

"Catch me I'm falling for good.", is all I can manage to say.

_"Catch me I'm falling for good."_

No. She said it, too. I'm good as gone. The chances of her being able to see me now are so small. I toppled into darkness. As I fall, I pass all the memories she has yet to remember. The time she went crazy in Costco. Last year at Natalie's swim meet when she somehow ended up in the pool. Before I could see the rest, I landed at the bottom. As I looked at the memories surrounding me, the memories she will never again remember, I realized they were all about me. The day I was born, the day I died, all the days in between.

Then I realized, I can still hear them. The doctor, mom, I can hear them! I look up and can see a small bit of light from the doctor's office where mom is sitting. This means that I can still come back. I begin trying to talk to my mom.

"Catch me  
I'm falling...  
Falling...  
Falling..."

I begin to see mom and the doctor more clearly. I can feel myself getting closer to mom. Soon she'll be able to hear me again. Then it comes. The word that shut me out.

_"Make up your mind__  
__You can live at last.__  
__Make up your mind__  
__To be fully alive.__  
__Embrace what's inside__  
__Replace what has died,__  
__Then make up your mind__  
__You'll survive."_

I fall again. This time I plummet straight down to the bottom. I land surrounded by the same memories of me. I look up and there is no light. I'm shut out for good. Unless, by some miracle, mom has a relapse, I'm gone for good.

I feel the hot tears run down my face. They start slow and then begin getting faster. What can I do? I'm completely alone. There is a feeling of emptiness inside me. It's stronger than it ever has been. And there's nothing I can do about it.


End file.
